My heart feels both heavy and tender today, a stark contrast to yesterday. This emotional rollercoaster feels like I’ve been treading water for 84 years!
In moments like these, I find solace in repetition:
“Just keep chanting,
Just keep chanting,
Just keep chanting.”
I tell myself.
I feel the vibrations in my body when I do. Sometimes waves of chills.
The energy flows within me, undulating like ocean waves.
I am here to experience it,
witness it,
let it go,
make room,
find gratitude,
and do this as many times as needed today.
This is my method of purification.
After experiencing what felt like a significant shift of energy yesterday—engaging in fire flow movement, indulging in a soothing bath, pouring my thoughts into a journal, and meditating before sleep—awakening today to a veil of sadness and despair is bewildering. It’s disheartening and infuriating, leading me to tears and further frustration.
While I am deeply attuned to my inner workings (hyper-awareness), I understand that indulging in these sorrowful tales isn’t conducive to my journey forward. Nevertheless, it’s difficult to resist the urge to explore the depths of this emotional abyss with a blend of humor and exasperation.
It’s noteworthy how “tears lead to frustration” which highlights a confrontation with my wounded feminine essence right now. She is present on the surface and wants to be seen and heard.
I listen.
I reassure my inner feminine essence that crying is acceptable. Tears are valid, an authentic expression of the heart’s truth. All feelings are welcome. In these moments I lean into expressing love for her in her moments of sorrow. She doesn’t need to perpetually embody strength because my supportive masculine presence ensures her safety and comfort.
*This is our inner duality or inner balance. It’s a way of recognizing and integrating aspects of both masculine and feminine qualities within ourselves, regardless of gender identity. This practice is commonly found in various spiritual and psychological traditions and is often associated with achieving harmony, wholeness, and self-awareness. It’s dear work to my heart that I have been sitting in for the past few years. Learning to discern between the two energy essences as well as what is mine and what is not mine. Additionally, I often refer to it as “embracing the divine feminine and masculine within.”
I’m reminded too that I am not fighting external sources.
I am only battling my inner warriors.
My inner feminine essence says,
“Samantha, you’re engaging in profoundly transformative healing work.
At this moment, the cycle ceases.
Now is the time to embrace your entirety; you are enough as you are.
Your feminine essence need not harbor anger over feeling fragile and exposed.
Assure her of her safety and that the need for defense has passed.”
This journey, my cherished companions, encapsulates the essence of life itself. Each day, we navigate through the currents of learning, growth, and introspection, venturing deeper into the vast expanse of our inner oceans. With each sunrise, I embrace the emergence of what lies buried within, honoring every twist and turn of this transformative odyssey.
Many speak of love and light, wishing to adorn spirituality with rainbows and butterflies. Yet, let me be frank with you. This is work—unceasing, demanding, and often devoid of the confines of a 9-5 routine. Balancing the demands of our earthly obligations, which sustain us materially, with the awakening and calling of the soul, which propels us forward in our soul’s ascension, is a constant challenge sometimes—Not everyone is on this path of enlightenment. Living 658 reincarnations on earth, you begin to learn a thing or twelve deep in your soul. Yet, amidst the toil, I find profound fulfillment. For this work is mine alone, undertaken solely for the betterment of my being. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Some days unfold like a tapestry of pure beauty and bliss, while others, like today, present formidable trials and tears. Nevertheless, in every moment, I endeavor to return to the well of love, gratitude, and compassion for myself and others. And amidst my journey, there is laughter—raucous, liberating laughter that hits deep in the womb that accompanies the witnessing of oneself. Laughter allows transmutation of the dense energies. I laugh because, at times, it feels akin to watching a movie, munching away on popcorn, and finding humor in the intertwining threads of sadness and beauty—I mean go watch the first episode of ‘This Is Us’ and tell me at the end it’s not sad and beautiful within the magic that exists here on earth. For in the end, it is all one—a magnificent tapestry woven from the fabric of existence itself and I am so bloody grateful to walk this earth walk because I see so much outside this fishbowl.
